Feeling Strong

Just a quick last minute post before tomorrow to let you know that I have done my homework and I'm feeling no fear regarding the surgery. I have had an extraordinary weekend surrounded by beauty in the form of nature, family and friends. I have painted and written. I have welcomed in the fear as well as the love. I accept this bittersweet stew and am happy to have a life, easy or hard it is all amazing.

My flowers have been thrilling me. I love the colors, gathering bouquets, strolling through the beds with my camera.

These little nubbins will be fat, juicy peaches in a couple of months. I love peach season. I am going to do a garden series of paintings this summer. I will show you everything as I go.

Journal entries. Thinking of world religion, always a subject of great interest to me. The desert religions with their wars and soldiers and the eastern religions with kali yuga and Buddha and meditation and peace. Any of them can be good or bad in the hands of good or bad people. The symbols for me are incredibly potent.

Not much to say about this one.

My computer just told me that it's 4 o'clock. I hear the train's whistle in the distance. I have a piece of Tres Leches cake in front of me which I will tell you about in a minute.

But first the peonies. These are all gone now but I took this picture about a month ago and it popped up in this folder so I tossed it in too. I do love me a fat, floppy peony.

And a bearded iris in the colors of the sunrise. 

Figs will be coming this summer too. In the background is a newly planted apricot tree, cherry tree and persimmon. Maybe you can see the grape vines. The grass where I lay on a blanket and nap in the summertime. Splendor in the grass.

Last evening we visited friends who prepared a beautiful meal for us. The filling is a mixture of avocado, lettuce, cabbage, jalapeno pickled peppers, onion, tomato and salsa. Mexican cheeses, enchilada sauce. Served with Spanish rice. I can't think of anything more delicious.

Tres Leches cake from the bakery for dessert. Oh my goodness goodness. This is the best cake I can imagine; my very favorite. My friends know this. My friends are so very good to me and to my family.

This is what we did to the cake in a period of about 15 minutes. There were 8 of us. But still ...

This is Buff Beauty, my yummy musk rose that twines up through the burgundy leaves of the Japanese Maple. 

Siberian Iris and Calla Lilies before being made into a bouquet to take to our friends.

And finally the Golden Showers rose that smells so pretty but whose blooms are short lived. And still the Peace rose has opened today and the mystery rose and I can't keep up with all the beauty in the world - there is just too much.

I'll be back asap to visit your blogs and to post here. Aren't we lucky to live in a time where we are never alone, having the internet to join us together and to help us help each other? I think this is the best time to be alive yet. xo

The Slow Drift

My little canoe has been circling around since my return from Ohio, making no forward progress. It is discouraging for a bossy person like myself to not be able to speak; fitting karma perhaps but lonely and strange at the same time. Today I heard about a friend of a friend who has had the same voice restoration surgery as the one I'm having on Tuesday. This person did indeed regain his voice although a softer version and so I am comforted by that thought.

A little side effect of my new larynx is breathlessness. Last night John and I went to a movie and I had to ask him to slow down twice as even a brisk walk wears me out. I want to get going again. It is weird to have my wings clipped. I need exercise.

And so my journal has been a reflection of these circuitous thoughts. Too much pondering; I'd be better off doing than writing but I seem stuck in my left brain. I have always had the kind of mind that wants to plan my way out of disappointment. It won't work this time but my brain keeps insisting, "I can help" and "let me think our way out of this".

Every day I wake up thinking that today will be the day I get back to work but so far I've just crabwalked through the hours in a torpor. I could fight it harder I suppose. But common sense tells me this is a big event in my life and that I should respect it. Allow myself to feel the sadness and be unproductive if I feel like it. To give it some time.

Everyone has been so kind. So tender. My daughters gave me the best Mother's Day beginning with pedicures, lunch at my favorite restaurant and then full body massages followed by frappucinos. Kindness. So much kindness. I feel the pokes and prods of all the "mothers" who are willing me to go on and not stay moored.

This etched metal Virgin of Guadalupe arrived in the mail along with several other treasures this week from dear Pilar who so many in our community know. She is one of the good guys, a sweet spirit who I know has reached out whenever she could to be of help to others. So thank you Pilar for the music, the stitched drawing on linen, the card and most of all for just knowing someone like you exists in the world to care for the fallen. You are a goddess of light.

That goes for all of you who come here whether you have written or not - I can feel you out there and I'm hoping a week from today I'll have some great news for you. I'm going to do my best to make it so. xo