Walking My Path

I was so impressed with Kelly Rae's post where she described with such honesty how difficult her first months of pregnancy have been while at the same time balancing that with the joyous anticipation of the baby itself. I felt like she had gotten inside my head where there is a disconnect between my optimism toward the upcoming surgery balanced against the new reality that there is mortality involved in this adventure we're all on and that this is one of those times when you inevitably spend some time holding the concept in your thoughts.

I've been a little bored and depressed. Today was the day I was to have left for Australia. Under the circumstances I am relieved that I can sit in my jammies and blog but I wonder where my happy twin has gone to. She who nearly fainted from joy at the thought of an adventure to such a far away place; that dream-come-true. Illness will test you in new ways. I find it fascinating. I have been so fortunate to have been so healthy all my life. Now I will learn a new lesson; uncertainty and humility.  I will be called on to let go and trust.

I cannot imagine getting through all of this without my journal. She is such a patient friend. (tears spring to my eyes as I write this). She has known every stage of me as I grew from a self-centered child through motherhood and art career to the person I've become today. This week I went on a trip down memory lane and read old journals for hours. It helped me see how much I have grown, especially in the last 10 years. I made so many mistakes. And the bigger the mistake, the more and better I learned.

I should be out photographing the baby goats for you; they are precious beyond words. But no, this is a time for warming my shins by the wood stove and giving thanks, being thoughtful, taking stock. It's also a time of a 4 day special diet before one of the tests I have to take. Imagine if you can; no caffeine, no alcohol, no chocolate, bananas, avocados, peppers, citrus, nuts or cheese! This is day one of the diet - I should be pretty ready for my coffee by the end of it.

I'm making my next journal too. I tore all the pages for it yesterday and will make the covers today. I'm in a quandary about the covers. They are my favorite thing to design and think about. They have to feel just right for a woman who is where I am, who I am, at this junction of my life. I'll take photographs for you. I'm using 4 different kinds of paper at least. I love to spring from one surface to the next. Paper. Mmmmmm.

I hope you can enjoy this great adventure. I hope your heart is peaceful and that you are not in pain. I hope you grasp that each day is a precious and irreplaceable miracle.  Aren't we lucky to be alive, even on the difficult days!