Saturday, March 13, 2010

Walking My Path

I was so impressed with Kelly Rae's post where she described with such honesty how difficult her first months of pregnancy have been while at the same time balancing that with the joyous anticipation of the baby itself. I felt like she had gotten inside my head where there is a disconnect between my optimism toward the upcoming surgery balanced against the new reality that there is mortality involved in this adventure we're all on and that this is one of those times when you inevitably spend some time holding the concept in your thoughts.

I've been a little bored and depressed. Today was the day I was to have left for Australia. Under the circumstances I am relieved that I can sit in my jammies and blog but I wonder where my happy twin has gone to. She who nearly fainted from joy at the thought of an adventure to such a far away place; that dream-come-true. Illness will test you in new ways. I find it fascinating. I have been so fortunate to have been so healthy all my life. Now I will learn a new lesson; uncertainty and humility.  I will be called on to let go and trust.

I cannot imagine getting through all of this without my journal. She is such a patient friend. (tears spring to my eyes as I write this). She has known every stage of me as I grew from a self-centered child through motherhood and art career to the person I've become today. This week I went on a trip down memory lane and read old journals for hours. It helped me see how much I have grown, especially in the last 10 years. I made so many mistakes. And the bigger the mistake, the more and better I learned.

I should be out photographing the baby goats for you; they are precious beyond words. But no, this is a time for warming my shins by the wood stove and giving thanks, being thoughtful, taking stock. It's also a time of a 4 day special diet before one of the tests I have to take. Imagine if you can; no caffeine, no alcohol, no chocolate, bananas, avocados, peppers, citrus, nuts or cheese! This is day one of the diet - I should be pretty ready for my coffee by the end of it.

I'm making my next journal too. I tore all the pages for it yesterday and will make the covers today. I'm in a quandary about the covers. They are my favorite thing to design and think about. They have to feel just right for a woman who is where I am, who I am, at this junction of my life. I'll take photographs for you. I'm using 4 different kinds of paper at least. I love to spring from one surface to the next. Paper. Mmmmmm.

I hope you can enjoy this great adventure. I hope your heart is peaceful and that you are not in pain. I hope you grasp that each day is a precious and irreplaceable miracle.  Aren't we lucky to be alive, even on the difficult days!


jgr said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you're going through this. What an inspiration you are in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us.

Sharon said...

Hi Judy, Just know that I'm thinking of you and admire you so very much. The diet doesn't sound like fun at all. It would be missing that morning coffee that would be so hard for me. You are so brave and I for one really appreciate that you share so much. Your garden flowers are beautiful.

Lynda Howells said...

Dear Judy, l so love your blog and your art. I alsways feel that what you write so often is exactle what l am feeling or have felt in the past. Sometimes l feel by reading blog as if l am reading my own mind! very strange!Hax
I have always thought you are amazing woman. My thoughts are with youx l have a question..l have made a card for you and l would love to send it to you. My email add is elemaitch@yahoo.couk if you feel you can trust me with your address. If you don't l can fully understand..there are some weird people on the inter net these days..pity!
Anyway, no matter what, know you are in my thoughts. Lyndax
(the blog l have left for you is my everyday diary onex)

lilasvb said...

i like to follow you, even if my english is poor, like your journal pages

Paula Phillips said...

Absolutely stunning Judy! You are always such an inspiration.
Much Love

Catherine Denton said...

I love your honesty and thoughts.

Kim Mailhot said...

Beautiful sounds like you are working so hard to get yourself prepared for this grueling process. I am glad that you have found some comfort in your precious friend - love that you refer to your journal that way. Sending you more love and keeping you in my prayers.
Big love, Brave One.

Martha Lever said...

Hi Judy,
I am sending you prayers for your upcoming tests and for the trials you are in right now. You are brave and strong and I so admire you.
I absolutely love your journal pages. They are all wonderful--I can see how you two are best friends. I am looking forward to seeing how you make your journals also.

Kelly Kilmer said...

Thank you for sharing a bit of your world with us. Sending much love.

Jenny Lee said...

Hello Judy,

I found you via Kelly Rae's book and fell in love with your work. I would love to take a class from you someday and I'm an Oregonian so maybe it'll happen!
I'm sending good thoughts your way for health and strength.♥


Jenny Lee

Tara Finlay said...

Thinking about you Judy and wishing you all the best for good health and happiness.

Leslie said...

You have such an easy, beautiful way of pouring your heart into your journal and this - your online journal. My thoughts and prayers also are with you as you move forward.

As for the diet, I don't think I could I think of a thing to eat without those that you mentioned.


Judy said...

I love your honesty.
it is so true that the bigger the mistakes we make the greater the learning, such is the case for me.
You will be sorely missed in melbourne, I was so looking forward to showing you my country, as I know it. Next time, and there will be one, okay!!!

La Dolce Vita said...

well there is mortality involved in everyday life, but we dismiss the inevitability of it due to the ordinary nature of the mundane.
when I have been faced with the extraordinary, I have always chosen the path of the miraculous.... you are special... after all...
and... my heart is peaceful, even thru the pain... xo

Sharon Lovejoy said...

and tears sprang to my eyes.

With love and hope,

Sharon Lovejoy

Jennifer White said...

Judy, I've been thinking about you...and reading this last entry truly fills me with an incredible sense of what it must feel like to be so centered...your words... today made me feel as though I understood your process, if that's possible. I am smiling...and sending you love all the way from Milwaukee. I so hope you can feel do inspire me in so many ways...oxo

Buffy said...

Don't you just love blogging,its like a diary but you get some uplifting words along with it. Sometimes it feels good to get all your feelings out kinda like the journaling you're doing. My prayers are with as you go through this. Good luck with test,and the hardest part for me would be the coffee and maybe the chocolate. I love your journal pages.

dosfishes said...

Thoughts and prayers and white light sent to you. Your pages reflect such repose, such acceptance and peace even. You are one brave lady.

Meri said...

Sometimes it's hard to accept that we're almost always right where we need to be, doing just what we need to do to learn what we're supposed to learn. The exception, I guess, is when we interpose distractions to keep from doing what we know in our souls is what we're supposed to be doing.

peggy said...

Judy, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this uncertain time. Yes, illness reallys tests you. Good news is when you come out of all of this you will be more humble and grateful and thank God for each day that your on this earth healty and able to do your art. You will be fine, ok not fine until you have coffee (that would be the hardest of all). Love ya

femminismo said...

Well, I might be able to go without caffeine (although headaches would probably ensue) but chocolate! Oh, Judy, don't we have to be strong to grow older? I got a notice in the mail that my gastroenterologist (sp?) would like to see my colon again. It's been five years, I guess. Ew, yuck. Well, obviously we are all thinking of you and hoping for the best results from your tests. You are such a treasure. Just viewing your journal pages is inspirational. Maybe a cover with medical illustrations and lovely elderly women?? And flowers. And baby goats. And clocks and calendars. It will come to you. Best to you!

Joan Tucker said...

Judy, I created an imagined powerful
beautiful blue butterfly for my surgeries; it worked for me I suggest it. You meditate and create the healing image and work -it work it before the surgery and when the time comes it will be with you and after you can call on it at any time.Let it be a laser healng beam simply removing all fear, pain, dis-ease. Many healing blessings coming to you from WA. Joan T

gretchen said...

Sending you hugs and prayers as your journey takes you along these unexpected, unfamiliar and untrodden paths. Remember to tuck our hearts in your travel bag and wrap yourself in our love before you head out and know that we will all be here for you if you should need us.
xoxo, gretchen

Ocean Lotus said...

please know we love you, love your words, feel your thoughts as you write wishes for you always, good thoughts are being thought!!

lynda Howells said...

have received addressxxthankslynda

rebecca said...

"I believe in the immortality of the soul because I have within me immortal longings."
~ Helen Keller

i am right beside you. warming my shins on the fire of life. tempered by loss, pain and a "special diet!"

singing your praises. sharing your truth. holding you close.


Anonymous said...

I love these pages and images - very inspiring, raw and moving. I wish you strength and courage to pull you through. Perhaps I can bring a smile to your face... I've passed on a blog award to you. Check it out on my blog.

Manon said...

Such moving post!Thank you for sharing so much of you!

BloggingQueen said...

We're all cheering you on; you know that, right? Thinking healing thoughts on your behalf...

And this is my official opinion on the four-day diet: [blows raspberry] What sadistic SOB thought it'd be okay to eliminate avocado and cheese and citrus all at the same time?! Don't they know the American diet must include at least one serving of cheese per day, preferably melted?

Hugs and quiches, Judy.

Julie said...

Yes...indeed. You've got it right in the last sentence here...we are all lucky..all of us. Wishing you the best of luck with your tests..and that diet..mama mia. You can do it!

MB Shaw said...

Yep, we are all lucky, aren't we? You are such a wise woman. And I love your spirit of honest and open sharing.

Sharyn said...

Sending my thoughts and prayers to you. Thank you for sharing from the heart. Thank you for being you.

somepinkflowers said...


"""each day is a precious and irreplaceable miracle"""


how fortunate you are
to know this for a fact ♥

if i thought
i could not eat nuts for 4 days
i would be thinking
about them non~stop
i am not even going
to mention nuts again...
or cheese...
or chocolate...

try instead
to think how lovely it is
you can consume PASTA!
think about pomegranates
and blueberries...

there is always a tolerable side,
isn't there?

{{ i am not certain
what exactly
can replace Australia,
sorry. }}

sherrie j said...

...each day is a precious and irreplaceable miracle.

Indeed. Your words ring so true to me. my thanks

Kelly said...

you are swimming in the deep end, sweet friend, without any little floaties on your arms. it is good to hear what is happening in your head and your soul. it brings me back three years to my journey. no one can know what this is like until they are called up to struggle. and you who struggle with so much style and grace elevate the light for all of us. that's you, miss girl. the letting go part is hard. it is very hard to be vulnerable beyond comfort. but it will change you in powerful ways. love to you!!

Anonymous said...

You so beautifully shared intimate art and words, sadness and gratitude, weakness and strength, and mostly sweet humility. Thank you for doing so, as your contradictions are ours as well.

bluepoppy said...

"And the bigger the mistake, the more and better I learned"

words to live by-- I am THINKING of you and LOVING on you so much!!!

~bisous, Elizabeth

Marit said...

Thanks for this post! You feel like a dear friend and I send happy thoughts and good vibes your way!